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Enjoy another wonderful text by Rev. Phil Smedsted, minister Emeritus of Oasis Rising Center

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Phil Smedstad's texts are one of the ways Oasis Rising Center supports members.

A Positive Path for Spiritual Living

Oasis Rising Center Spiritual Center
Oasis Rising Center 8125 West Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas, NV 89125
(702) 804-8189
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“Spiritual Principles in Relationships”

By Rev. Phillip Smedstad

One of my favorite quotes is from Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love.  She says, “The secret to spiritual growth is other people.”  I completely agree.

According to A Course In Miracles, there are two kinds of relationships:  special relationships and holy relationships.  Also, there are, it says, two kinds of special relationships:  special hate relationships and special love relationships.

Special hate relationships are obvious.  In them we disown and project onto others what we dislike about ourselves.  By judging them, we temporarily feel good about ourselves.  Of course, eventually our self hate and low self esteem come up again, and then we need to find someone else on whom to project.

However, there is a deeper reason as to why we attract people we don’t like into our lives.  That reason is that we won’t rest until we heal our sense of separation from God.  This is the one over-riding reason we attract ALL the people and situations we do.

What everyone wants most (including people who know nothing of spiritual principles and who never even heard of the word “God”) is not comfort, nor just feeling high, nor even material prosperity.  What we all want is to reclaim our oneness with all that God is.

Eventually, comfort, feeling terrific, and material prosperity are the results of transformation.  We can have them all, as long as our priorities are straight.  As Jesus said, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His wholeness (or all inclusiveness), and all these things shall be yours as well.”

When we find ourselves having a repeated painful experience, especially one in which it looks like we are innocent victims, no amount of “focusing on the positive” will change the pattern.  What WILL change it is facing and loving the parts of us we had disowned – facing and resolving the mistaken decisions we made about ourselves.

The other kind of special relationship is the special love relationship.  These are also built on hate, but they are not nearly so obvious as special hate relationships.  In special love relationships, we look for the special person who can fill the lack we believe is in us.  The unspoken agreement is that we will try to do the same for our partner.

There are several problems with these relationships:

• If our partner gives too much time and attention to another person or interest, we get jealous.
• Also, our partner can’t change or grow too much.  It’s too threatening.
• The biggest problem is that every time we look at our partner, it reminds us of what we believe is lacking in us, and we unconsciously hate him or her for that.

Happily, the third kind of relationship is a holy relationship.  A holy relationship is where there are two whole people present.  They are not in relationship to be saved or for the other to fill the non-existent lack in them.  They are in relationship to empower and to be empowered.
This is the kind of relationship the real self of each of us wants.  It knows that the purpose of all relationships is two-fold:  The first purpose is to heal our sense of separation from God.  The second purpose is to empower us to be all we want to be.

In special love relationships (also called “co-dependent” or “need/obligate” relationships) we make an unconscious pact with each other.  We unconsciously agree to not grow so much so as to no longer need the relationship, and we agree to hold ourselves and each other back.

In holy relationships, each person feels free to grow as much as he or she wants.  Both partners know that they don’t need each other in order to be complete.  It’s just way more fun to be in relationship and to empower each other.

Here are some ways to practice being in holy, empowering relationships:

• Practice knowing that God in you (not your partner) is the Source of your love.
• Give your relationships (all of them) to the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is a very real Presence, and accepts when you offer relationships to It.  Then, the goal of the relationship is changed – from comfort and protection to healing, spiritual growth, and empowerment.
• Practice loving yourself as much as you can, and seeing yourself and your partner as whole.  All the love we receive is a reflection of how much we love ourselves.
• Accept your power of creation.  Be 100% responsible for your experience.  “Vicitimitis” doesn’t work at all in conscious, holy relationships.
• Realize that whenever you’re upset you are in the past.  A statement Lura and I have used with students is, “Every upset is a set-up.”  That is, whenever you are upset, you have the current person “set up” as someone from your past with whom your relationship is not fully resolved.

Realizing that you are in the past allows you to receive the gift from the conflict.  It helps you to resolve any mistaken decisions about yourself you made long ago, and it helps you get to deeper forgiveness with that person from the past.

So, if there is a current-day “upset” with someone in your life, ask yourself:

• Does this feel familiar?
• Does this situation remind me of any situation from the past?

Then, practice forgiving yourself and the person from the past more fully.

The purpose of all relationships is to heal our sense of separation from God.

On Sunday, I asked everyone to affirm this aloud three times.  I then said that if they understood just this one concept, they could save themselves from untold heartache, and perhaps several lifetimes of struggle.

The more you practice spiritual principles in relationships, the more you will have the full, rich life you really want.